Tuesday, July 13, 2010

How to Solve Chicago's Salary Cap Issues

I'm feeling a little generous lately. Watching the debacle that is the Chicago Blackhawks' salary cap situation got me feeling sorry for them, so me and a few budding capologists compiled a list of the best ways to solve the problems heading into the upcoming season. If you've got a few ideas that aren't on the list, leave them in the comments section, or drop me a line over on Twitter and I'll get them to Stan Bowman.

So without further ado, here are the options to fix Chicago's salary cap troubles:

  1. Bake sale every 2nd Sunday of the month. (I hear Marian Hossa makes a pineapple upside down cake that is to die for.) 
  2. Hold a monthly bottle drive to pay players under the table, lessening their cap hits. (Take these forty million bottles to the store, will you?) 
  3. Restructure contracts providing 18 players playing for free each year. (We'll pay you next year, we swear!) 
  4. Identity fraud to pass stars as AHL call-ups (Shmantii Shmiemi who?) 
  5. Naming the arena after free agents to lessen their salary (Kovalchuk-Modano Arena, anyone?) 
  6. Also, sell the ad space on the boards to players (Imagine Slava Kozlov getting checked into his own board ad. Hilarious!) 
  7. Renting players on a per game basis. (Don't bother buying a jersey.) 
  8. Organize an 20-piece team band and book battle-of-the-band gigs on off nights. (Rookies carry the veterans' guitar cases now.) 
  9. Dressing only 2 lines per game. (Your TOI league leader, Patrick Sharp, averaging 43 minutes a game.) [Andy
  10. Opening an Official Chicago Blackhawks Etsy page. (Buy a Patrick Kane charm bracelet, complete with 2 dime charms.) [Lola
  11. Borrowing players from the NBA's Atlanta Hawks. (I'm sure Gary's still got David Stern's number on speed dial and would allow it.)
  12. League wide key party. (Hey, you pulled Hjalmarsson's key after all, San Jose!) 
  13. Rent the "Day(s) With the Cup" out to the other members of the Atlanta Thrashers. (I mean, who doesn't want to see Evander Kane with the Cup instead of Patrick Kane?) [Tom
  14. Auction players out for dates with bidding women, or men... (Hey, depending on how the date goes, that bonus doesn't count against the cap next year!) [Cath
  15. Register as a 501(c)(3) tax exempt religious organization. Change uniform to saffron robes and require all players to go bald. (On the plus side, no extra penalties for not tying it down in a fight!) [Christine
  16. Along with that ...accept charitable donations and sell cult pamphlets in airports for extra cash. (Isn't that how they got most of their 'fans' this year, anyway?) [Christine
  17. Pay players in Chicago style deep dish pizza. (May be counter productive due to condition coaches' raises, though.) [Andy
  18. Instead of Santas working for Salvation Army, they could put Vince Vaughn on the street ringing a bell next to the kettle. (The fake Santa beard is about as genuine as their playoff beards will be this year.) [Marlon
  19. Put Liz's dad in net for $100 bucks and a deep dish. (Fuck your league minimum, that's an expensive pizza!) [Liz]
  20. Relocate to Osaka, Japan, one of their sister cities. (What's your CBA say about yen, Gary?!)
  21. "The Official Chicago Blackhawks Lemonade Stand" (Just don't let Patrick Kane be the cashier.) [Marlon
  22. NOT signing Derek Boogaard to a 6.6 million dollar contract over 4/5 years. (There's not really any better punchline that I can come up with...) [Marlon
  23. Wearing Penguins jerseys and getting a blind eye from Gary. (Also saves money on Halloween costumes!) [Pete
  24. Step one: Call MacGyver. Step two: Give him some gum, a stapler, a fax machine, and a copy of the CBA. (Assuming they can afford all those supplies) [Kris]
  25. Sign the members of the band Chicago. (I'll take "Baby, What a Big Surprise" over "Chelsea Dagger" any day. And that's how we'll all feel when they score.)


  1. i was thinking "chicago blackhawks kissing booth... kiss kane, toews, or hossa for 5 dollars!"

  2. Hi,

    You have a good blog. Today the marketplace has started to look up and folks are starting to have jobs. But, a lot of them are baffled whether or not they're getting the suitable salary. They might validate this by evaluating their salaries through on the net tools. One such website to review salary mechanical engineers and other specialists is whatsalary.com.